Hangin' My Homies

Who do you hang with?  You know, who are your “boys (or girls)?”   It’s interesting that we very often become like - or have our identity shaped by - those we chose to include in our “circle.”  However, many might say they are their own person and that they are free to be whoever they want to be.  If we are truly free from the shape of our friend circle, why are so many people unhappy with themselves and to some extent, with life?  Why is it so hard to really find a better more positive and fulfilling life?

 

I believe, in part, this constraint has a great deal to do with who we “hang with” -- where we place ourselves in a life-context -- and who makes up our inner circle of influence.  There seems to be a strange dynamic of image-reciprocation in our circle of friends.  What I mean is that it’s as if we surround ourselves with mirroring images that create a perpetual reinforcement of a particular lifestyle and life-answers.  We take on the group image, group think and group character of our primary circle of friends, while they reflect back a similar life view – even if harmful or ultimately unsatisfactory in terms of life-fulfillment and personal-peace.

 

 

When caterpillars begin the process of transforming

from a butterfly pupa into the free-floating, fulfilled realization as the final form of a butterfly, they “hang with their homies" in a protecting and nurturing environment we call a chrysalis.  Nature has internally wired the pupa to create, live and perpetuate life by surrounding itself with the exact perfect environment while going through the life-stage transformation.  To choose other surroundings would spell disaster.  But human beings are different.  We may choose any number of surroundings; hang with a variety of desirable and undesirable influences.  And we do.   

 

 

I felt urged to write about this issue out of a real-life example.  Unfortunately, it’s a story I have heard many times.  A married person with a family succumbed to the lure of instant gratification and love without responsibilities by entering into an adulterous affair.  When you ask someone, “Why risk so much?  Why jeopardize your family and possibly the rest of your life?” the answer is never very rational or satisfactory.  Maybe the “love” word is tossed out without much thought of its true definition or commitment of character such a statement requires.  But ultimately, it’s about their homies who mutually reinforce the behavior:  “Go ahead, you deserve love.”  “We’ve done it too.”

 

When I look at the why of it, one clear factor (although there are several) seems to be who we “hang with.”  If my theory of the dynamic of image-reciprocation in our circle of friends is true, this is a classic case.  If in surrounding ourselves with mirroring images that create a perpetual reinforcing lifestyle and thought includes those who also would engage and approve of seeking extra marital “love pleasures” regardless of responsibilities and consequences, then the “chrysalis” is woven and hung to produce a like minded image and action.

 

I have taken over a thousand teens to retreats and camps during my years in ministry.  I have witnessed this phenomenon so often and worked hard to counter it by creating a new environment.  Often I would bring along a kid who had fallen into, been accepted by, or chosen to surround themselves, with a group of friends who perpetuate counter-cultural, character-diminishing, and self-destructive thoughts and behaviors.  The hope is to, if only briefly, offer them an alternative circle, through a week-long Young Life retreat.  It only takes about an hour for them to find their group of image-reciprocating circle of friends, and engage in the same behaviors that limit their success in a more fulfilling life.

 It takes more than a week or month or even a year “away” to create positive change.  If you want to have positive change in your life, first take a look at who you hang with!  Do they reflect principles and values that build character and create a truly freeing opportunity for fulfillment, or do they only reinforce proven life-lessness? 

 
Who you surround yourself with will absolutely determine your attitude, lifestyle and sense of fulfillment -- especially while going through the life stage transformation!  Where is the best place to hang with some positive homies, who wish you to find complete fulfillment in life and as a human being?  I know, it’s so corny, but it’s the only real and complete answer – it’s the Church.  It’s a group of committed friends who have based their life operating system on faith in Jesus Christ.  Find that group.  Bring them into your circle or seek to be a part of theirs.  Not all churches are the same, but within the church there will always be more good homies than not.  If you can’t find one, just look for the people who exude fulfillment, high character, available unconditional love, and a positive outlook,  not only in their life, but who are also interested in helping you find it too.  Now, go where they go.  Hang with them and stand tough!